Operation Asche X
by Akai Sera
Summary: Crazy Collab with my right hand pirate, Xai. This is a mix of insanity and parody, so be warned, OCs x Canon and silliness await. Anya (Malta) has been friends with Asche (South Germany) for a long time. Asche has always helped her out of trouble, and now Anya wants to repay her friend in a way only she could; by finding her a man! This could be Anya's greatest challenge.
1. Chapter 1

It was a quiet, calm Monday morning in the near-empty market square. People milled about, exchanging their meager funds for delicious fruit, the prized export of their poor town. Each week, a new fruit stood center, attracting all to view its splendor. Bananas had once reigned over the food pyramid. Another time, it was the apple that left everyone breathless. It was a magnificent display. Blueberries, strawberries, and apricots lined the streets, each attracting the eye only for a moment. Despite their wondrous appearance, another stood above, reigning in its own glory as the passers-by gaped and reveled in its magnificence. Surely this would bring substance to their poor, meaningless lives; for the watermelon, that prized, oval beauty, sat upon the fruity pedestal of wonder. Light flowed from the heavens, trickling down to reach only the greatest melon, and all gazed upon its glorious green beauty. The only thing missing from this awe-striking 8th wonder was-

"FIREWORKS!"

Several faces turned toward the projectile that flew up from the central display of the market-square. Panic followed confusion as they realized what had been thrown from the life-blood of the town: the watermelon stand. Horror crossed every face as they witnessed the all too real terror spreading before their innocent eyes. "Oh gosh, everyone run! It's Monday!" People began to scatter in panic, screaming, "Not the watermelon!" and scurrying in helpless circles. One foolish vendor attempted to rescue the town's last hope, grabbing two precious melons. But as he dove away, the prizes he thought he'd claimed smashed against the ground, the first victims of this week's assault. They knew the drill; this happened on a weekly basis. Ten o' clock sharp on Monday morning, the 'fireworks' returned to claim their next scrumptious innocents.

"Get down!" And once again, that warning voice. Next would be- Those closest were tackled to the ground, protected from the shrapnel and explosion that rained down on the poor watermelons. Pink flesh joined the metallic shards that just barely missed the civilians that huddled together on these hopeless Mondays. In the past month, this ritual had claimed 4 fruit stands and injured two innocent vegetable vendors.

Shocked and saddened townsfolk began to rise from the destruction, gazing from the muck upon the shredded corpses of the watermelon which would have been their one hope.

Many heads turned furiously toward the middle of the square, where a young girl stood amongst the wreckage, defying their turmoil with her sinisterly innocent grin. "You're welcome!" the villain shouted gleefully, mistaking the stares of hatred for ones of adoration. "Wasn't that a great show! Great choreography with the ducking to the ground! It made it seem way more dangerous. Didja see the way those melons just 'sploded! That was way better than those bananas you set out last week. You guys are really upping your game!"

They stared at the carnage, hopelessly drawn to the spectacle of the ruin. Glances shifted from the stand to the girl and back again.

Through the bleakness and desperation a voice rang out like a beacon of light in the melon-y darkness. "I'll pay for that... again..." The owner of the voice dug in her pockets, taking out all she had. She looked down at the pile of paper, possibly the savior of the town, then sighed, "I'm about a thousand short..." The people looked on in horror as their hero turned toward the enemy. They looked one another in the eye, as if a showdown was about to take place for fruity justice. "Anya!" the savior yelled, holding up the town's new hope. "You got any twenties?"

"Of course! How many do you need? I don't think I can break this fifty. All I've got is some stupid hundreds. Candy machines won't even take 'em, and chocolate stores can't break them... You want 'em?"

The hero face-palmed as the people gaped. She had turned the villain away from evil and into goodness with only five words. They cheered as the former destroyer of happiness flung the blessed bills into the air. Where destruction had just fallen, there now fell hope, and a new beginning.

Leaving the rain of wondrous paper behind, the two girls set off, a force of evil now united with good. The townspeople waved them off, crying that they'd proclaim this day the morning of redemption. As they disappeared into the sunrise, the first hero turned back, gracing them with a final farewell. "Maybe next time you should use durian fruit. It's stronger than melon."

While they walked away, the converted nightmare turned to her companion and said in deepest regret, "Asche? Why did we have to go?" She twiddled her thumbs and looked down sadly. "They were throwing us a party."

With a sigh, the other girl looked off into the distance, half-smiling. "Because, Anya... we have training to do. You're still very weak and innocent. You don't even know how to throw grena- er, fireworks correctly."

"But I was doing a great job Asche. Did you see how they cheered? I'm like a celebrity~"

"They were screaming in horror! How did you mistake that for cheering? Besides, I had to save you. You almost killed yourself throwing that- firework above your head."

Anya looked at Asche, her green eyes squinting in childish confusion. "I don't think anyone's ever died from fireworks! Unless they dropped dead from their beauty. Besides, people greet you with that 'screaming' all the time. I just wanted some of the attention too... Everybody was staring at those silly watermelons anyway, so I thought some fireworks would liven it up. And I got to make a money storm. Whoooosh~" She wiggled her hands as she made a wind sound, giggling as she waved her hands in Asche's face. "You wanna try?"

"Nein."

"Yaaay!"

"For the last time Anya, nein means no, not yes!"

"Yes?"

"Nein!"

"Wheeeee~"

"Stop doing that!"

Asche put her hand over Anya's mouth to stop her ridiculous spoutings of nonsense. "It's getting dark. Let's just head out to the training grounds."

"Oh..." Anya looked down again sheepishly. "Tonight's the night we have lasagna. Lovi's making it special. Well, just like every Monday."

Asche's frown deepened. "Lovino... Why do you even live with him?"

"Well, our countries are right next to each other, so it's just more convenient if we share a house."

Asche glared at the ground. "Where is the logic in that?!"

"His house is bigger." Anya shrugged. "Anyway, sorry for bailing on you. I hope you have something else to do."

"Ja. Push-ups."

Anya chuckled, "No silly. I meant take the day off and hang out with friends. You guys have friends in South Germany, right?"  
"Friends? I only 'hang out' with you... Don't you have training in Malta?"

"Not until you brought it here... No friends? But that's so lonely-like. I didn't think you'd be one to spend your days all alone. You can come hang out with me and Lovi and Feli if you want~"

Asche shuddered, then grimaced and shook her head. "No thanks... Besides, I'm used to being 'lonely-like' as you call it. Have fun... but not with fireworks."

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow I guess."

"Ja, bright and early for training, since you're skipping out tonight."

"Right, I'll be over at noon! Byeeee!" With that, the two parted, going their separate ways with a wave from Anya and a blank nod from Asche.

Anya lingered on the path for a moment, watching her friend disappear down the hill. "I didn't know Asche was so lonely when I left. I always thought she had someone to hang out with, like one of her brothers, or Austria. Or maybe Hungary. I guess not..." Her usual smile had faded, and her voice trailed off into her thoughts. 'I have to do something. Anything. She's been so nice to me..." Anya paused for a second, wondering what she could possibly do for someone as serious and closed-minded as Asche. "That's it!" she cried, skipping along the path toward home. "I'll get her a boyfriend!"

End: Chapter One


	2. Chapter 2

Anya strode into the mansion she called home- her secondary temporary home, to be exact. She was so deep in thought that she didn't notice Romano holding the door open and greeting her. "Oh, Anya, you're finally home. Dinner is-" He turned his head and stared after her as she walked past, apparently ignoring him. Ordinarily she'd be ecstatic to see him, especially after hanging out with that grumpy potato Asche all day. But she just kept walking, as if in some state of blunt obliviousness. 'Girls don't usually act like this, do they?' he asked himself, more than a little confused.

Feliciano was waiting in the kitchen, having just set the lasagna out to cool. He greeted Anya cheerily as she ambled in. "Veeeeh~ Anya, you're home! I didn't hear you say hi to Romano at the door. Was he not there to-?" She walked past the younger Vargas brother as well, taking her seat at the table as though Feli hadn't spoken. "Anya~ Pastaaa," he said, waving the fresh lasagna in front of her like a smelling salt.

Romano entered the kitchen, obviously concerned with Anya's strange behavior. "Oi, if you're gonna ignore me, at least tell me what Veneziano did!" he grumbled, giving Anya an irritated frown.

Feli seemed to catch on to his brother's insinuation and chimed in with, "Anya, did we make you upset again? I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself! I confess, I ate the last gelato!"

"You did what!? So this is all your fault then, you idiot! Anya, I would never do such a disgraceful thing as finish _your _gelato." The two were now in a panic over what was apparently a case of missing ice cream.

Anya looked up slowly, and the two flinched at the harsh aura that now surrounded her. Even her dark, fluffy hair looked menacing now. "Italy," she whispered, almost inaudibly.

"Yes?" he squeaked, shivering in terror. The last time this had happened, no one had gotten out alive... Well, that wasn't true, but still. It was scary, alright?

"Will you go out with Asche?"

Both Italians screamed in mortal terror, "No Anya, anything but that!"

Italy shook his head, falling to his knees and begging for mercy.

"I'm so sorry! I know I deserve this punishment, but I'm too young and robust to die! All that training, gone down the drain for a gelato!? I'll go buy you two packs, I promise! But anything but that horror!" He took the crucifix from around his neck and clutched it to his chest, praying for mercy to be granted on his accursed soul.

Romano stared at Anya. He thought he knew her, but obviously he'd underestimated her cruel methods of torture. "Anya, you wouldn't go that far would you? I mean, he is an idiot, and he deserves some kind of punishment, but that's just- sick! You may as well rip out his soul and replace it with potatoes! And then even I would be punished for this terrible wrongdoing."

Anya looked at the two babbling Italians, surprised and a bit disappointed. "Is she really that ugly?" she asked innocently.

Italy, in his delirious horror, couldn't respond, so Romano plucked up what little courage he had to answer, "N-no. She's not absolutely hideous, but... Well, sh- she's just so... German. And- not in a good way. Not that there _is_ a good way to be German."

Anya sighed, disheartened. "If Italy, the most girl-crazy country I know, besides France- But I'm not even going there- wouldn't accept Asche, who in their right mind would?"

"Wait, so it's not about the gelato?"

The puddle of Italy on the floor perked up at Romano's words. "Huh? Then what am I being punished for? The only other thing I did recently was break that really expensive vase, but that was big brother Romano's..."

The eldest Vargas frowned at his brother, who flinched and shied away from his stare.

"I mean, ah, sorry..."

Anya sighed and gave Lovino a pouting frown, her hazel eyes shining as she gave him her most innocent face. "Lovi, how do you get a hopeless, grumpy, scary tomboy potato full of hatred to fall in love?"

"How the hell would I know? The short answer is, you don't. The long one is, you don't because everyone involved ends up dead or worse... You know, it's dangerous just to hang around one of those guys. Take Italy for example: He's a hopeless, cowardly blubbering mess. And whose fault is that?"

Anya gave an innocent smile, replying, "Yours? For being mean to him at home and rejecting every other country that comes by the house that isn't me or another girl?"

Shaking his head, Romano sighed, "No... I meant it's the fault of the Germans! Ludwig is the one forcing him to participate in combat. COMBAT! An Italian! Even the thought of their faces pisses me off, I could just-"

"Can we eat pasta now?" Italy asked, cutting off what would likely have been a five minute rant of expletives insulting the German siblings. "It's gonna get cold if we don't, and Lovino made it especial for you, Anya~"

The darkness surrounding Anya disappeared instantly. "Aww, you did? That's so sweet of you."

"Just like every Monday," Romano huffed defiantly, "It's no big deal or anything. I was making it even before you came to live with us anyway..."

"Alright! Let's eat! And when we're done, we can join forces to help Asche! Besides, I did want some gelato for dessert."

The Italians choked on their food, knowing there was no way out of Anya's plan. They really owed her for that gelato, and neither wanted to face her wrath if they could help it.

"Alright, fine," Romano grumbled. "We can help out that potat- er, Asche, I guess. If she's that hopeless."

In Ludwig's backyard training area, Asche froze mid-kick, glaring in the direction of Italy's house. She felt the odd sensation that somewhere near Anya, an Italian had spoken her name. Dropping her foot and crushing her sparring dummy, she frowned. "Yuck."


End file.
